


My Letter to You

by pcrrycox



Category: Scrubs (TV)
Genre: M/M, and i am so sorry, but i'm a wreck and i'm sorry, i cried all the tears while writing this, there's not a ton of details
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2019-01-08 11:55:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12253920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pcrrycox/pseuds/pcrrycox
Summary: Perry leaves JD a series of letters detailing his love for him and the memories they shared over the years.





	My Letter to You

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really sorry. Like really sorry. I just saw these prompts on tumblr and my mind did... this. It probably doesn't make you feel any better, but I really did cry quite a bit while writing this. I hope you guys like... sort of enjoy this or if you're like me, you get some sort of catharsis through the angst. I just wanted Perry to be able to say goodbye.

_John Dorian,_

_I have loved you for so long and so much more, so much harder than I ever intended.  You were always funny that way, leaving your mark on everyone you crossed paths with, and it was always for the better.  I was a better person because you loved me.  You saw past all my flaws and forgave all my wrongdoings and that alone was a greater gift than I ever deserved.  You loved me for who I truly was, though you never tried to change me, and that’s something I’ll never be able to repay.  Below, you’ll find fourteen memories we shared, ones that I will forever treasure.  I know that by the time you read this, I’ll be long gone, but don’t you ever think for a second that I’m not right there beside you with every step you take, with everything you do.  I love you, sweetheart.  Be strong – you always were._  

**001\. Searching**

_Remember that time you organized that ridiculous scavenger hunt throughout the entire hospital?  It was your elaborate way of getting me up to the roof so we could have what you called a ‘romantic night,’ though I’m not sure how romantic it ended up being.  You and I always had different ideas when it came to romance.  I would have been happy eating takeout in our sweats while sitting on the couch – and come to think of it, you would have been, too – but you always went above and beyond.  In retrospect, I have to wonder just how long exactly you spent putting together all those clues, specific enough that I’d know exactly what you were talking about, but vague enough that I had to work for it.  And you were worried I wouldn’t remember where we had our first kiss, but that evening on the exit ramp was forever seared into my brain from the moment it happened.  By the time I got up to the roof, I was just on the edge of annoyance, but there you were, perched on the wall looking out over the city, so deep in your thoughts that you didn’t even hear me open the door.  But then you finally heard my footsteps and you turned toward me and Jesus, that smile.  I’m not sure you’ll ever know what that smile of yours did to me, so just know this: your smile will be the last thought I’ll have because I’ll forget the pain._

**002.** __ **Barefoot**

 _I never understood why, but you always_ hated _socks.  It could have been thirty below zero – unlikely in California, I know – but I’m not sure I would have been able to convince you to put them on even then.  And forget about sleeping with socks on because to you, that was just about a criminal offense.  Not that I did it much myself, but I digress.  I remember the first few nights you spent at my place, before you moved in.  I heard you get out of bed in the middle of the night to do god knows what – always were a mystery to me, kiddo – and all I could hear were your bare feet padding down the hall.  And then I knew you were coming back because I heard the same thing.  Eventually, I got used to the sound, stopped waking up when I heard it, but part of me wishes I hadn’t, just so I could hear it again._

**003. Warmth**

_This one isn’t so specific as it is how I feel when I’m with you.  Everywhere you went, JD, you radiated warmth, made everyone around you so happy.  It was contagious.  I only wish that I could have been like that, and before you get angry at me all over again, I know I made you happy.  Really, I do.  I know that at first, I didn’t understand how you could have enjoyed being with me, but after spending over twenty years with someone, you start to see things from their perspective, too.  Seeing you happy and seeing that smile of yours, it’s gotten me through so much.  Comedic relief was always your go-to, so much so that it became mine as well.  I don’t think I’ve ever actually thanked you for that, for making me laugh._

_I had to take a break here, just for a moment.  Turns out writing a letter to your husband while you’re dying isn’t as easy as I thought it’d be.  There.  How’s that for comedic relief?  Whenever it feels too hard or like you can’t handle something, think of this.  Think of how you made me laugh and the warmth you brought to everyone around you.  You’re a damn special person, JD.  Never forget that._

**004. Compliment**

_I had to wrack my brain on this one, which while it’s not as sharp as it used to be, what with all those tumors (see comedic relief section), I did manage to remember a few times we complimented each other.  I chose to focus on my favorite, and I bet you can guess which one it is.  When I saw you for the first time on our wedding day, I nearly lost it right then.  You were the most incredible thing I had ever seen, though you didn’t look much different than any other day.  Maybe it was something about those eyes of yours, so blue and alight with excitement and nerves.  I think it also hit me, right then, that you were going to be mine,_ my _JD, forever, and that I’d be yours too.  I will always be yours, angel, and forever doesn’t just mean until I’m gone.  If there’s an afterlife, you can bet your ass I’ll be waiting there for you, more yours than ever._

**005\. Fallen**

_Sure, I could say something sappy about falling in love with you, but why do that when I could talk about how goddamn clumsy you were?  You’re truly one of a kind, Newbie, and I mean that in the most realistic sense.  I don’t think I’d ever seen someone speeding down a hospital corridor with their foot stuck in a mop bucket, let alone have them plow right into me, but it was one hell of a first date.  And before you have a conniption, I know that wasn’t our first date.  I’m not that far gone just yet.  Besides, how could I forget your legendary spaghetti that became one solid chunk stuck to the bottom of the pot?  Now_ that _was a first date._

**006\. Water**

_There’s no doubt you’ll know where I’m going with this one: our honeymoon.  We spent half of it in our little private hut we rented for two weeks, thoroughly breaking in every piece of furniture in the place, but I knew I’d picked out a good spot when we found that lagoon just a stone’s throw away – all ours and perfectly private.  I’ll never forget the feeling of you wrapped around me, forget the way you sounded, all those gasps and whimpers and you moaning my name…  I’m getting a little off-track.  You know exactly what I’m talking about, but it’s worth bringing up.  We were younger then, more carefree but just as in love and if there’s one thing I’ll cherish just as much as that smile of yours, it’ll be how close to you I felt every single time we tumbled into bed with each other – or whatever other location was closest._

**007\. Confusion**

_Things were so different when we first got together, and even before we did.  I couldn’t understand why you’d give me the time of day, let alone love me.  It confused the hell out of me, having you follow me around like a puppy, always so eager to please.  It didn’t make sense to me until I started to feel the same for you, started seeing past all those reasons why we shouldn’t be together and instead just embracing it.  The confusion didn’t seem to matter so much after that, after I stopped caring what everyone else thought and only wanted to know what_ you _thought of me.  You made me want to be better, sweetheart, and because of that, I_ was _.  It sure didn’t happen overnight and we had our share of fights, times where we could hardly stand to be around each other, but at the end of the day, you were the love of my life and I was yours.  I know that none of this will be easy for you, and it’s surely no walk in the park for me, but eventually, it’s going to end.  You, though… you’re going to go on living, figure out how to survive without me.  I know you can do it, there’s never been a doubt in my mind.  Just promise me you won’t give up.  Keep fighting for me, even if we didn’t have as long together as we thought we would._ **  
**

**008\. Foolish**

_I remember a time when I thought falling in love was for fools, for people who were gullible.  I hadn’t given up on the whole institution completely, not yet, but I was on the borderline.  I think that’s why I was so resistant when you first confessed your feelings for me.  If I have any regrets, JD, it’s that I didn’t admit to loving you sooner.  I wasted our time together and goddamn it, if I could do anything over, it would be that.  When you told me you loved me, I would have taken you in my arms, would have told you I felt the same, and never have let you go.  It’s no secret that I’ve gotten softer in my old age, despite you repeatedly telling me I’m not old, just distinguished, but this is proving to be a lot harder than I even expected.  I love you so much, JD, and the last thing I want to do is leave you.  I’ve been putting on a brave face lately, more for your sake than anything else, but I’m scared, too.  I’m being foolish again, I know, but I don’t want to stop being the person you can lean on when times get tough.  These times are harder than anything else we’ve ever gone through, but even when I’ve stopped fighting and let cancer win this long, drawn out fight, it might be nice if you still think of me that way._

**009\. Fingertips**

_Your touch.  That’s another thing I’ll never forget.  Your hand in mine, the way you like to trace those seemingly endless patterns on my chest when we’re lying next to each other…  Even now I still feel the electricity I did when we first started out.  You always had quite the effect on me, sweetheart, much as you might like to say the opposite thanks to my stubborn self.  I always loved those peaceful moments we shared with the lights turned out and just the sound of our breathing, your lips brushing against my shoulder while you traced and traced until you fell asleep in my arms._

**010\. Wishes**

_Of all the wishes I’ve ever had for you, JD, first and foremost comes your happiness.  This isn’t a happy time for either of us, but once you’ve had time to heal, at least as much as you can, I hope you’ll find a way to be happy, whether it’s in your friends or in your work or some other aspect of your life.  Hell, maybe you’ll take up jigsaw puzzles – glue them to a piece of cardboard and display them all over the house.  I don’t care what it is, JD, just find something that makes you happy again.  You deserve that and so much more.  I’m just sorry I won’t be around to see what it is._ **  
**

**011\. Breakable**

_I was so worried I was going to hurt you, and I suppose I am now, by leaving.  Of course, this is all out of my control, try as I might to will away the cancer, but that was always something that terrified me.  Somehow, I managed to avoid that throughout all these years, but for a while, I was so certain that I’d ruin you.  Then I realized I was giving myself far too much credit because you, John Dorian, are so strong.  You’re not fragile and I’m not going to break you.  I probably should have realized that sooner, but damn it, Newbie, you cried so damn much.  And I’m not talking about losing a patient – I mean crying at_ Disney movies _.  Now, of course I know that all that just pointed to you being the most compassionate person alive.  You were always putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, even if that someone was a cartoon lion who’d just lost his father.  Your compassion quickly became one of my most favorite traits of yours, and it made you an amazing doctor.  Don’t you ever stop being that person and don’t turn your back on your compassion, even when it causes you pain._ **  
**

**012\. Friend**

_You were my best friend, JD.  My very best friend.  I want to thank you for that, for accepting me as I was and loving me for it.  For all the nights we spent at home, talking and laughing.  For being my voice of reason when I needed it and for being my support system and my shoulder to cry on.  You were everything I ever needed you to be and for that I will be eternally grateful._ **  
**

**013\. Secret**

_It’s not really a secret anymore, but I’ll say it again.  I’m scared, JD.  I’m scared about leaving you more than I’m scared of dying.  I think I’ve come to terms with that part of it by now, but every single time I think of leaving you behind, my heart aches.  It’s a real, physical pain, different than the pain caused by the cancer, the chemo and radiation, all of it.  You and I both know what’s going to happen – I’ll tell you I’ve had enough, that any more treatment is pointless, that we’re only prolonging the inevitable and that I’d rather just be made comfortable and spend my last days with you.  You’ll fight me on it, but when all is said and done, you’ll know just as well as I that I’m making the right choice, as hard as it may be.  Just promise me you won’t be too angry with me, all right?  I gave it a good shot, after all._ **  
**

**014\. Final**

_I am so lucky to have spent my life with you, JD.  So incredibly lucky.  And I love you so much.  I don’t want to leave you, and I know however long I have left will be hard for both of us, but I need you to promise me that you’ll never stop fighting.  I fully expect you to have a long, long life, longer than mine, because that’s what you deserve.  You’ve always been a good person, had a good heart.  I hope you’ll forget the crumpled pages here and some of the tearstains that I didn’t want to own up to, but like I said, this wasn’t easy.  I just wanted to leave you something to remember me by, something that you could hold in your hands and know that I had touched and that it was meant for you.  I’m sure you’ll keep some of my old clothes, try to keep the smell of me on them, that you’ll sleep with them in your arms on those nights where it all seems like it’s too much.  I’d do the same if the roles were reversed.  I don’t expect you to go out and find love all over again, but if you do, just make sure whoever it is treats you right and don’t settle for anything less.  You deserve the world, sweetheart.  Make sure that’s what you get.  God, I love you so much and I hate that I have to leave you.  I never wanted this for us, but life’s funny that way.  I can only be thankful to have gotten to know you and have been lucky enough to call you mine._

_All my love,_

_Perry_


End file.
